Small Talk

 Let's be honest - small talk has a bad reputation. The first thing I think of when someone mentions small talk are those painfully awkward conversations about mundane things like turf grass at a family function, or trying to find a common ground to start a conversation with a stranger. But I read an interesting email this morning about small talk (from my fave Esther Perel) - and she referred to at platonic flirting. The aliveness and spontaneity of meeting someone different and new and seeing where it takes you.

It made me stop and really think about small talk in more detail.

Now those who know me, know that I'm not short for a conversation. I love talking. I love asking questions and finding out more about people. Give me a long car trip and I will find out about all kinds of things about you - if you're willing, that is... I'm the last to leave the wine bar after dance, after they've packed up the outside tables and closed the till. But I would stay there all night talking if I could.

I guess I've always shied away from small talk - like it was the enemy of deep and meaningful conversation. I want real. I want connection. I want to know something that makes you feel alive in that moment. I've always thought small talk was the opposite of that.

But in contemplating this idea of platonic flirting - I readjusted my thoughts and considered all the times that I engage in small talk. Willingly.

I love having conversations with strangers, seeing what makes them tick, what makes their eyes light up, watching and listening to what inspires them to share more. I went to get coffee at work the other day, and the woman making my coffee and I had such a lovely connection that I almost wanted to give her my phone number and say 'lets's catch up'.

I was talking with a park ranger when we were working on a job, and our small talk eventually got to a place where we were talking about his early desire to go to art school and how we were both terrified of getting our legs caught in giant clam shells under the ocean. I walked away from that unexpected conversation feeling happy. Maybe not significant in the scheme of things, but a fleeting and authentic connection.

Sometimes it isn't that organic. Sometimes you have to choose it. Yesterday, I kneeled down on the pavement, so I could chat to the man who was sitting outside ALDI, holding up a sign asking for support. I didn't have any cash, but asked him if I could buy him some food and we started chatting. I guess it would be called small talk, but that conversation was important. Important because it connected me with another human, who would have been easy to walk past. Important because it opened up a space for a deeper connection, an opportunity to share experience and be seen and heard. It's so important for all of us.

I went for a walk with a friend yesterday - we don't have much small talk to be honest - it's a juicy, let's talk about everything, kind of deal - and it's deeply satisfying. But it made me consider this morning, that you NEED the small talk to get to that point. You need to reach out and have the conversation at the beginning to gain the trust to deepen. We were talking about friendship and the nuances of getting to know someone better - and maybe it's the offering of small talk in the early stages. Are you willing to ask questions? Are you willing to be curious or do you wait for others to ask you the questions? How much of yourself do you offer? Are you a sharer, or do you keep your cards close? Maybe all these things play a role in the small talk transition to deep and meaningful chats?

I know I'm an asker of questions that encourage people into deeper conversation - it's one of my favourite things. I love sitting around with friends, drinking wine (or coffee) (or any other beverage for that matter), and allowing the flow of conversation to deepen and explore and evolve. It's the actual best - satisfying and meaningful.

Esther suggested a number of ways to engage in small talk with strangers - stretch out our socialising muscles, feel the discomfort or awkwardness of remembering how to engage with others - sometimes it only takes a question just slightly left of the expected - to find yourself in a meaningful conversation with another. It might only last a moment, or an UBER ride, or the time it takes to make a coffee, but I reckon it's worth it. You might be the first person to have been curious enough to ask a 'real' question. We have so many opportunities throughout our day to have micro-connections in this way - why not take them?

All that being said, I have been known to be caught in incredibly boring conversations about cooch grass and the cleanliness of pools, so I'm the first to admit that sometimes it doesn't work. Sometimes you get left out high and dry, your attempt for curiosity and conversation left in the wind - but ultimately I still think it's worth it. There are enough of us out there seeking the same thing - connection.

Try it. Be curious.

With gratitude.

Anna

xxx