Belonging

 The last few weeks, I have been doing my yearly internal pilgrimage into the depths of my pysche. It starts in the days after Christmas and before New Years, and I usually settle into a steady pace during January. Towards the end of the school holidays, I start to get the mild melancholia that always comes hand in hand with the end of Summer. And then the week or so before my birthday, i'm in full reflection mode.

This year, more so than ever, I've been contemplating the concept of belonging.

During last year, I really had to look my sense of belonging in the eyes. Front and centre. Where do I belong? Who are my people? Who did I reach for? Who reached out to me? When lock down ended, who had I missed? Who had I longed for?

I've had friendships change, some quite painfully; and others deepen. I've changed jobs. I've written a book. I've learned to surf. I'm learning to drive a manual (embarrassing I don't know how, I know!)

But I think mostly, I'VE changed. I think more so than any previous year.

I don't feel FOMO so much when I see photos on social media of a community I used to feel quite connected to. That's not my usual default. It used to sting and I had to do a bit of self soothing. But maybe 2020 put community into perspective for me - the being part of a group changed it's parameters. I certainly have contemplated my place and value within groups and friendships - and the role I play in that. It hurts to let go of a tribe that helped shape a new version of myself many years ago. It played an important role as a collective. But I don't belong there anymore. I've become acutely aware. Painful, but the truth often hurts.

The upside of that was that it highlighted the deepening of other friendships - checking in, a weekly zoom party to dress up and stay connected, long phone calls, dancing and then of course drinks after dance online.

I've always sought out connection with friends. I've always craved it and chased it and revelled in it. I love having parties and bringing people together. But I think this year has taught me that sometimes the connections you chase leave you feeling a little empty afterwards. When I stop chasing them, they're not there. It can be a very quiet void when I sit still rather than chase.

So where do I belong then?

In nature. Always in nature. Sitting undressed and immersed in the flow of the river, the wide open sky my only witness. I feel a softness and a calmness permeate the parts of me that are tender and confused. The parts of me that seek outwards, that seek validation in the mirror of others. The river and the ocean and the bush and my garden. They know me. They see me. They hear me.

I belong here.

I find it with my family - I feel invincible when I'm with my family and most of all, my kids. Like we're a force to be reckoned with, armed with love and silliness. Being a mother has always filled me with an incredible sense of belonging - like I was here to do this.

I belong here.

I find it the arms of my love. Within a safety that I've never experienced before. I think I'd always thought safety was boring, some kind of compromise from the excitement of life. I couldn't be more wrong. I spend no time worrying about the state of my relationship, because I KNOW it's rock solid. Can you imagine the amount of time I have to think about other things? And it's not boring. It's exciting to wake up with someone you want to share your life with. That you want to dance and play and swim and cook and make love and work and sleep next to.

I belong here.

And more than ever, i'm trying to find belonging within myself.

Making friends with this body. Being committed to loving myself more. Not compromising on the big things - being honest with what is ok and what's not. Communicating what is important to those around me. Being ok with the space that I inhabit on this planet.

I belong here.

In gratitude

Anna

Xx