Living the Dream

 'You will find a way to create the happiness you desire'

A simple enough mantra, nestled inside a fortune cookie at a party. Read aloud to the other people at the dinner table, and then usually discarded. to be cleaned up with the wine bottles and chocolate wrappers in the morning.

But not this one.

This one spoke to me - enough that I folded it up on that particular night, in amongst the wine and the laughing and the dancing, and put it in my wallet for safe keeping.

When I found it weeks later (when searching for some money for the school canteen, because I'd been negligent in buying enough food for school lunches), I decided to stick it on my bedside table as a reminder.

I quite like having quotes around my house - I put them in my bathroom, on my fridge, write them in my journal when they strike a chord. But I hadn't had a quote next to my bed for a long time. To make the bedside, it has to be a pretty significant quote. But I felt like I needed this reminder more than most.

I don't think I have any issue accessing happiness. I love being happy. I've always bookmarked the moments when I feel blissfully happy (I call them private polaroid moments) - I guess it's so I have a photo album of all the things that make me feel happy - so that when I'm feeling flat, I can look back in the album and be reminded of HOW I've created the happiness I desire.

Like a treasure chest of memories, I have access to what makes me glow. Some of the memories are sentimental and ones I can't repeat, but sometimes I can recreate the moment in other ways by accessing the feeling or the situation. Other times, it's enough to remember them. Other moments I get to experience weekly, or daily, or frequently enough that I can see them happening again in the foreseeable future.

Others are immediate - sometimes people call them self care - but I call them pick-me-ups. I know that having a massage always makes me happy. Buying a new indoor plant makes me happy. Having a bath listening to music. Ringing a friend. Eating almond croissants. Having a coffee in the sun..

Creating a life that has space for as much pleasure and happiness is a real priority for me - I guess that is where 'living the dream' has become a running joke in my family - a light hearted (although probably heavily weighted at other times) reference to the way I live.

I have never been career focused. It's like that part of my brain never developed. It's not that I'm not a hard worker, or not good at the various jobs that I have done over my life - in fact, I think I've been amazing at lots of the jobs I've done. I've just never been that interested in furthering my career.

I think it's because I value time above else. I value presence. I value having enough energy to be present to be family and my friends and myself. I know where the tipping point is - the more I work, the less energy I have to be the person I want to be in this world. And so I choose to do things differently.

And while I live on the delicate precipice of having enough money to eat and dance and pay my mortgage, I make every effort to prioritise the things that are the most important to me. Time with my kids. Time with my friends. Time with my family. Time with my partner. Time with myself. That is my dream.

Time is a funny one - because you can spend lots of time with someone and still not feel connected. You can spend time with people, where you pass in the hallways as you get ready for your day, but that's not what I'm chasing. It's the quality of time that I'm talking about. Time where people give each other their presence. Real time. Talking time. 'Being with' time. The type of time where you forget what the physical time is, because you are so in it that it doesn't matter.

I know all about the love languages - so I know without a doubt, that my main love languages are time and touch. (if you don't know about them, they're interesting - check them out here). In turn, I also know that when I don't have enough time and touch, I start to feel really disconnected.

Connection is an amazing salve for any ailment. It's what I thrive on and I don't think I'm the only one. So I try to be curious when I start to feel the malaise of disconnection. As soon as I start to feel isolated - it's nearly always when I'm feeling like my desire for time and touch is not being met. I know at the moment I'm in that place. I'm longing for time with friends and family. My work/responsibilities vs fun/hilarity/whimsical balance is a bit out of whack. And so I'm trying to remedy it (although surprise lockdown didn't help).

So on days like today, where I'm feeling disconnected and having to actively remind myself not to worry about money or financial security, or what my future looks like, or whether I've made the right choices - I'm going to instead go back and flick through my private polaroid album. it's a great album and easy to get lost in. Maybe you're even in it ;)

'You will find a way to create the happiness you desire'

That's right - I'm already doing it.

This is the life that I choose.

big love to you all

with gratitude

Anna

xx